Billy Joel -- "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" (1985)
* You're a teenager pushed to the brink, your girlfriend broke up with you, you're ready to jump off a bridge, things are looking extremely bleak, and then suddenly Billy Joel appears blowing on a harmonica propped up on the next trestle and then dances up next to you?
* Better yet, would that teenager even know who Billy Joel was?
"What songs did you write?" "Big Shot." "Don't know it." "The Stranger." "Nope." "We Didn't Start The Fire." "We didn't start the what?"
* Man, this video is depressing... and to a bouncy beat!
David Lee Roth -- "Yankee Rose" (1986)
* If you've ever wondered what David Lee Roth's wiggling butt looks like up close, here's your golden opportunity.
* Just to remind everybody who this guy is, the video is shot like very much like Van Halen's low-budget "Jump," except Roth is about as restrained as Kim Kardashian in a cocktail dress. It's all on the checklist: guitarist Steve Vai shoves his axe in the camera, lots of clowning around and hamming it up, ample amounts of spandex and smoke, and not the most subtle phallic props.
* Whatever money was spent on this video is in the 1:39 opening, set at an all-night grocery run by a horny Indian, and patronized by a freak show of stereotypes, including Roth dressed up as a colorful headhunter, asking, "Gimme a bottle of anything... and a glazed donut... to GO!" A pretty pathetic connection to the "Yankee Rose," aka The Statue of Liberty.
Journey -- "Separate Ways" (1983)
* The plot: take an invisible bunch of hairy rock musicians, have them play air instruments while serenading an angry woman storming down the San Francisco wharf like the movie "Ghost."
* Who put Crazy Glue on the bottom of Jonathan Cain's synthesizer and stuck it to the wall?
* The camera shows no mercy on mulleted-singer Steve Perry chewing up the scenery and about half of Northern California in a cheesy muscle shirt, shutting his eyes, shaking his head, balling his fists, hitting his chest, and grabbing for the lens! Steve, calm down! I'd be upset too with those close ups of my tonsils!
* For such an angry song, why does the drummer wear a t-shirt that reads FOOSBALL? And then play on oil canisters?
* My hypothesis about why the woman is angry: she'd wish Steve Perry would dump his other invisible band member friends who seem to follow them around while they are trying to work out their problems.
The Fat Boys featuring The Beach Boys -- "Wipeout" (1987)
- What do boxers Hector "Macho" Camacho and Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini have to do with "Wipeout?" Isn't the term "knockout?"
- Best line: Beach Boy Bruce Johnston to one of the Fat Boys: "I wanna see you in a bathing suit!"
- If I was eating pizza in Little Italy and saw the Beach Boys riding by in an open convertible harmonizing to a rap version of "Wipeout," I would demand to know what they put in my topping.
- How out of place does Beach Boy Mike Love look watching the DJ's scratching vinyl in Times Square?
Frank Stallone -- "Far From Over" (1983)
- From one of the worst movie sequels of all time, Staying Alive, written and directed by Sylvester Stallone ("Rocky," "Rambo").
- Scrawny brother Frank Stallone looks like he got kicked out of 80's Canadian rock band Loverboy, with his headband and open leather jacket.
- Hey Frank -- what's that electric guitar plugged in to?
- And hey Frank -- what exactly are you playing on that guitar anyway?
- Look for the silly "look over the shoulder" on the busy street cameo by Sly himself.
LOVERBOY -- "Everybody's working for the weekend!"
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